Joe and I were fortunate to have spent some precious time with Jim this Sunday. We arrived to a smiling, alert, very talkative and always welcoming Jim. Though much thinner, somewhat weaker, his spirit is as strong and resolute as ever. It was so refreshing to sit with him, even in the midst of our own sadness over his illness. Both Joe and I were lifted up by his positive perspective and attitude.
On the physical side, he said he is dealing with his pain. As it increases, he has access to additional medication on demand. We asked him about how he felt, where it hurts, whether he was comfortable. If you know Jim well, then you know that he doesn't complain. But he told us that the most discomfort he has is within his abdomen area. Explaining that his liver is enlarged because of the cancer, it's basically pushing out his stomach, making it very hard for him to eat. Certain sitting positions are better for him. He can even walk around a little, which he is happy about.
He did have a little to eat while we were there visiting. A piece of turkey, a slice of cheese, and a half of a banana. When asked how it was, he kind of gave this "blah" look on his face like it made no difference, it could have been a piece of shoe leather. He later said that it's hard for him to enjoy food, explaining that anything he eats doesn't have much taste.
At one point, he got quite animated, saying that he was watching the film"The Godfather" and there was a scene in an Italian restaurant, where the characters were passing large bowls of pasta, sausages, meatballs, and drinking glasses of red wine. Jim said "While I was watching this I was thinking, wow that looks really good!"
There is something that Jim wanted to tell all of you. He said that he has had a lot of visitors and appreciates all the attention, love and support. What frustrates him the most (beyond any pain he feels physically) is not being able to the manage his time:
- the time to see everyone he would like to (but knows he can't)
- the limited amount of time that he can spend with those he has had the opportunity to see
- the time he has left with all of us here -- not knowing when he will pass away and who he may not have a chance to see
This is typical Jim. In the midst of his frustration his selflessness shines through -- wanting to be able to say goodbye to everyone, to say thank you for your cards, emails, postings on this blog, to include everyone he cares for, in the middle of his own physical decline. His heart has an enormous capacity to demonstrate love for friends and family. You could say it's bigger than the Grand Canyon.
The void I feel knowing I don't have much time left with him is equally big. But we need to take a lesson from Jim here. The peace he has about his own fate, the strength he has shown, and the faith he displays daily to his friends and family, make it a bit easier to say goodbye. If we appreciate and acknowledge Jim's peace throughout his battle with cancer, we need to recognize that it's also available for each of us -- but only through God's grace. The best part is there's an endless supply and it never goes out of stock!
As we said goodbye to Jim yesterday afternoon, I stopped, turned back to him, held his hand and recounted to him something that we had all learned last year during our small group bible study. It was a reference made in the book of Mark, verse 1:18. It's a passage when Jesus asks a small group of fishermen, who knew nothing about discipleship, to take a leap of faith and leave behind the life they knew and were comfortable with, to help spread the word of God -- "And Jesus said unto them, Come ye after me, and I will make you to become fishers of men."
I told Jim that he was truly a fisher of men -- that he has witnessed to so many people as they observed his walk of faith while struggling with cancer. How he lives by example as a great father, loving husband, and good friend. Jim is the hands and feet of Christ, even as he lays in his hospital bed, body weak and frail. I told him that he has done more for the Kingdom of God in a few short weeks than most do in a lifetime.
Joe made us laugh as he added, "Jim, you haven't just brought in a few fish, you've brought in a bunch of whales!"
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